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Literature
Wonderment
There is a dream stuck inside of my head
That I do not remember having.
The journey for which I long
Seems like it's disseminating.
I am stuck in this bubble of doubt
As his words envelope me in wonder
And his fidgeting makes me want to scream.
These sounds from when I was young still linger
As I am hiding from my worries.
Gentle smiles.
Unrecognizable dreams.
Twisted realities.
Why am I confined in my own doubt?
Why do the corners of his lips strike me with wonderment?
Why does this lengthy journey make me yearn for it so greatly?
I cannot forget this dream.
I cannot forget his smile.
I want to forget this doubt.
Let me forget this doubt.
His words still linger and drown me in wonder.
I am still hiding from this journey.
The wonderment has deceased
And I find myself yearning for this reality.
:iconelextrified:elextrified
:iconelextrified:elextrified 15 10
OBSCURA by mistertrece OBSCURA :iconmistertrece:mistertrece 74 6 She doesn't give anything ,only takes by SunTurnsIntoWater She doesn't give anything ,only takes :iconsunturnsintowater:SunTurnsIntoWater 125 3 She doesnt love you by SunTurnsIntoWater She doesnt love you :iconsunturnsintowater:SunTurnsIntoWater 88 4

deviantID

Lilith-Awaken
Vera
People's Republic of China
Too old for playing
Too young for being wise
Too dark to be happy
Too silly to taken seriously
A sleeping artist trying her wings

Coffee, metal, and cigarettes, and cute little fuzzy bunnies :meow: :headbang:
Interests
Being hurt is a weird thing. It's obviously not a good feeling, but on the other hand, it makes me write.

I have a lot of things going on in my life, probably much more I should have, or at least any decent person should have, but I feel like I'm too old now not to use all opportunities that fall in front of me. And yes, it means I get hurt. And I hate it.

I hate that things are not going on the tracks they supposed to. I hate that I get quite the opposite reaction from people than whatever I wanted. Lately, there are many younger guys who wants to ask me out for a coffee, which is good I guess, but I feel incredibly old because of it. Also, somehow the only person, who doesn't give a flying fudge about coffees, or to be honest, any other proposals is the only one I would actually love to be with.

I feel like whatever I perceived about him is a huge lie. I feel like I was betrayed at some level. And still, I have this stupid hope that maaaaaaybe tomorrow, maaaaaybe next week.

The funniest and the most irritating thing is that recently he got this whole "let's be friends" text from the girl he had a crush on, the same bullshit he gave me a couple of months ago. Which is a bit ironic and also, a bit karmic. But this is not the point. I got more depressed by the thought that he got hurt than he himself. It should be the opposite. But I just can't be happy about it.

This whole thing is messed up. I should fall for guys, who fall for me (or for none at all... being a conventional person is always a safe choice). Yes, I got mixed messages, that fatally confused my sensors. But still.... I can't let it go.

Oh, well, at least I can put some words in a certain order, that makes some people happy/emotional/inspired, and I'm glad that even for a second, I did something that pleased someone :)
Last day's 200+ pageviews proved my theories.

Namely:
a) only a handful of people are interested in literature, or at least literature I churn out (my main profile)
b) it doesn't matter what quality stuff you put on here, if it's even a slightly R-rated picture, it is considered a clickbait
c) nobody gives a single flying fudge if you're not doing "popular" stuff, like cheesy fanfic, cheesy fanart, gory fanfic, gory fanart, cosplay, etc or nail a DD by some unexplainable miracle

For a lot of people out there, this number is an everyday thing, or low even, but I had years when I had less views in total.

See, I don't really care about pageviews normally, but I wanted to get myself a Christmas gift, so I submitted a picture I knew will generate some traffic. But this is a bittersweet experience, the least to say.

Nevertheless, I'll continue to jot down words that may or may not have a meaning and may or may not be in a certein order. I know there'll always be some people who'll appreciate it. And this means more than some stupid numbers.

:blowkiss: for all of you!
Today they told me that I am beautiful. Yet whenever I look into a mirror I see something else.

I see a halo of unruly hair that never stays in place, not even for the tightest of ponytails or buns. It's short, kind of curly, and never seems to grow at all. The colour faded after the first wash, now it's a mixture of purple, red, copper, yellow and orange, with nondescript brown at the roots. It sits on the top of a huge, masculine scull, that gives me a big, not quite round, not quite oval shaped face, with the added bonus of a double chin. My eyes are small, deep set, with permanent black shadows around them, as I've never slept before. They are not brown, not green, not hazel, something in-between, a watered down splotch of leftover colours from a mad painter's palette. My nose is huge, not at all feminine, so as my ears, that decided one day I might want to turn into Dumbo, and better to be prepared for substitute wings. I have birthmarks all over me, like a huge, 3D connect the dots game, with spots and blemishes joining in. I see my shirt, that I had to send back to the shop, trading size XL to M, for the disbelief of my friend who helped me with that. It's a men's shirt, covering my contours, but it has a cool design. Anyways, still a better choice than any pretty dress on the market. My arms are thick, saggy and squiggly, my tummy is round and fat, my waistline is just slightly smaller than my hips, yet my breasts are disproportionately small, and they more of a fit for a woman double my age. I see my pants, that now are constantly sliding down, I see the crumples around my tights, but they are still good to hide those elephantine legs anyway. Nothing pretty to look at underneath. Only too much body hair, and scars I made during a dark moment. I see my boots, again, men's boots for man-sized feet. I never could find a decent pair of high heels to squeeze them in.

I see the shadows of my failures, hunting and ridiculing me on a daily basis.

No. I am not beautiful.
You were my first love, and part of my soul will forever be tied to you. I wish I had the courage to tell you I loved you when we were close. I wanted to be with you all the time, I changed so much for you, and you barely noticed. You always went for girls way out of your league, and I always accepted your choices, encouraged you even, and never told you that each word was killing me. I wanted you to notice my scars when I was cutting myself to cope with the pain of my heart you caused. I wanted to be more than friends, I wanted to have more than the almost compulsory kisses on cheeks whenever we met. You had no idea I kept your silly doodles on the sides of your character sheets after you went home, or the cheats you hastily wrote down for that old game. I still remember the lines. I still remember that dreamy-eyed rebel, who had so much pain, so much emotion, so much talent. I wanted to tell you I was there for you, that all I wanted to make you happy, even when it meant to sacrifice my own happiness. I want to thank you that you made me the person I am now. You was the reason I started to listen to the music I like now. The reason I dress how I usually dress now. The reason that I have hobbies and interests I have now. I want to thank you the scars you caused, because they are not bleeding anymore, and that I can accept that I am who I am. Well, for most of the time. I want to thank you that I can live with pain. I want to tell you I am sorry that our lives took different paths. That I wasn't with you when the love of your life lost the battle to cancer. That I wasn't with you when your dad passed away. I am sorry that I couldn't hold your hand, and tell you that everything would be okay, like in the old times. For a long time, I was wondering what your silence meant when I told you years after I left my hometown that I loved you back then. And I am wondering still.
I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. How much I think of your almond shaped eyes, your thin lips. When you gloomily stare, and that boyish smile when I kiss you. When we watch movies and you are drinking in every moment, or your favourite anime that you've seen thousand times before, yet you get totally engaged in. When you tell me bits of your life, and how eager I am to put together the pieces of the puzzle that hides you. How I miss the touch of your firm body, the warmth, the safety your arms provide. Your caring touch, and small gestures that make me feel comfortable. The smell of your neck, that is still fresh after a long day. Your hugs that gives me support and the feeling that I am not lost, I am not alone. Your little kisses and giggles when you embrace me, your passion, your eagerness to give. The way you care about me. I wish I could tell you that I feel more than what I supposed to. To tell you that seeing that red lipgloss on your bathroom counter filled me with dread, because it could mean that it's over for us. I wish I could tell you all these, and I wish you won't reject me after it.

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:iconalbtraumdamon:
AlbtraumDamon Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2017
Hey, a very happy birthday to you~! Hope you enjoy your birthday as much as possible :D Me and My Birthday Cake 
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:iconmistertrece:
mistertrece Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
HAPPY BD BABY!!!<3
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:icontirasunil:
tirasunil Featured By Owner May 29, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fav. :)
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:iconalbtraumdamon:
AlbtraumDamon Featured By Owner May 25, 2017
Thanks for the fav! :D
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:iconleehon:
Leehon Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so, so, so much for the fave! :D (Big Grin) Hug 
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:iconvisionarydreamscape:
VisionaryDreamscape Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for the favourites!
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:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you again for your newest +fav, lovely! I deeply appreciate it. :heart:
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Postmorteum Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2017
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:icontirasunil:
tirasunil Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fav. :)
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:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your :+fav:, dear. :heart:
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